Gratitude Without Pretending: Letting Go of Toxic Positivity

There’s a version of gratitude that feels light and freeing.

And then there’s the version that feels forced.

If you’ve ever been told to “just be grateful,” to “look on the bright side,” or to remember that “everything happens for a reason” while you were still hurting, you know the difference.

Gratitude is powerful. But when it becomes something we perform instead of something we feel, it stops being healing.

What Toxic Positivity Actually Looks Like

Toxic positivity doesn’t usually sound cruel. It often sounds spiritual. Encouraging. Optimistic.

It sounds like:

• “At least it made you stronger.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “You just need to focus on the positive.”

• “Choose gratitude.”

The problem is not gratitude itself. The problem is bypassing reality.

When someone is grieving, exhausted, angry, or overwhelmed, pushing them to “just be grateful” can quietly communicate that their feelings are inconvenient. It suggests that pain is a mindset problem instead of a valid human experience.

In wellness spaces especially, positivity can become a badge of honor. We’re rewarded for being calm, regulated, inspired, and grateful. We’re less comfortable sitting with raw truth.

But healing doesn’t happen through denial. It happens through safety.

The Difference Between Gratitude and Spiritual Bypassing

Spiritual bypassing is when we use spiritual language or concepts to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

It can look like:

• Reframing trauma before it’s processed

• Forcing forgiveness before anger is acknowledged

• Claiming everything is “divinely timed” while ignoring harm

• Pretending something doesn’t hurt because you want to seem evolved

Real gratitude does not erase pain. It does not skip over grief. It does not require you to package your experience into a lesson before you’re ready.

Gratitude, in its healthiest form, is an acknowledgment. It says: this is hard, and I’m recognizing my strength within it.

It allows for both truths:
This hurt.
And I survived.

That’s very different from:
This hurt, but I shouldn’t feel bad about it.

Why Honest Gratitude Supports Nervous System Safety

Your nervous system is wired for truth.

When you pretend you’re fine, your body knows you’re not. When you push yourself into positivity while you’re still activated or grieving, your system stays on alert. There’s a subtle internal conflict between what you’re saying and what you’re feeling.

Honest gratitude removes that conflict.

It sounds like:

• “This is painful, and I’m doing my best.”

• “I don’t like this, but I can see my resilience.”

• “I’m struggling, and I’m still here.”

When you name what’s hard without trying to fix it, your body softens. There is relief in being allowed to tell the truth.

Gratitude becomes grounding instead of performative.

You Don’t Have to Perform Healing

You don’t have to rush to silver linings.

You don’t have to turn every hardship into a growth story.

You don’t have to convince yourself you’re grateful before you actually feel it.

It’s okay to say:

• I’m angry.

• I’m tired.

• This is unfair.

• I don’t understand why this happened.

And later, when it feels real, you might also say:

• I’m proud of how I handled that.

• I’m grateful I didn’t give up.

• I’m stronger than I realized.

Both can exist.

Gratitude without pretending allows your healing to be honest. It allows your growth to be earned, not performed.

You can be grateful without being fake.
You can be healing without being positive.
You can be strong without minimizing what you endured.

That is real resilience.

Reflection

Take a moment to pause and check in.

• What feels hard right now?

• What strength helped you carry it?

You don’t have to change anything about the answer.

Just notice.

That noticing is enough. 🌿

• You Don’t Have to Be “Okay” to Be Grateful

There’s a version of gratitude that gets passed around a lot. The kind that says everything happens for a reason, that insists you should be thankful because someone else has it worse, that quietly asks you to hurry up and feel better.

This isn’t that kind of gratitude.

The gratitude we’re practicing here doesn’t require you to like what you went through, or to pretend the pain shaped you into something shiny and resolved. This kind of gratitude simply acknowledges the truth: you survived something that once felt impossible.

You’re still here.

Gratitude, in this sense, is not approval. It’s an acknowledgment. It says, “This was hard, and I carried it anyway.” It honors the version of you who kept going when quitting would have made sense. The version that learned how to breathe through things they never imagined they’d have to hold.

So often, we’re taught that gratitude should erase grief, anger, or exhaustion. But real gratitude doesn’t cancel those feelings. It sits beside them. Life can be both painful and meaningful. You can still be healing while recognizing your strength.

If you’re comparing your timeline to someone else’s, it’s easy to miss how far you’ve come. Growth doesn’t always look like milestones or big transformations. Sometimes it looks like quieter things: better boundaries, softer self-talk, learning when to rest, choosing yourself in small but consistent ways.

You don’t have to be “okay” to be grateful. You don’t have to be finished. You don’t have to make meaning out of everything you endured.

You’re allowed to simply say: I’m still here, and that matters.

Reflection

• What did you survive that once felt impossible?

• What version of you deserves gratitude today?

I Set Myself Free By Forgiving Myself

By holding on to regret and disappointment with myself, I am only punishing myself. Just like everyone else in the world, I have made mistakes, but I am willing to forgive myself.

Forgiving myself is easy. I have everything to gain when I forgive myself. I gain peace of mind, emotional freedom, and a new perspective on life.

I am free of my past when I forgive myself.

I avoid the belief that I must be perfect to be content or happy. Mistakes are part of the game of life. I accept that I make mistakes and exercise poor judgement from time to time.

I learn from my mistakes and become a wiser version of myself each day. Forgiving myself allows me to become the best person I can be.

I am willing to forgive others, so I must be willing to forgive myself, too. Self-forgiveness gives me the greatest level of freedom. Each time I forgive myself, I release myself from emotional bondage. I am then free to grow and develop fully.

Forgiving myself is a daily habit. Each day I forgive myself and learn from my errors.

Today, I release myself from the past. I forgive myself for my past transgressions and move forward with confidence and positivity. I am free to choose the life I want.

Self-Reflection Questions:

1. What are the three things I regret the most? What can I learn from those mistakes?

2. How would I feel if I chose to forgive myself for all of my mistakes?

3. What is it costing me to not forgive myself? What do I think I am gaining by holding on to the past?

How Finding Your Purpose Can Make You Happy

There’s a quote by Dr. Albert Schweitzer that’s worth pondering:

“The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others. “

Think about this for a minute. Finding your purpose becomes a lot easier when you think about it in these terms. What skills and traits do you have that could help others? How could you build your life, your job, or your business around those skills?

But what does all that have to do with making you happy? Taking the time to figure out how you can help others and then doing just that is a powerful thing. We are social creatures and hardwired to help our community. When we make it a daily goal to do just that it’s an incredibly rewarding experience.

Yes, part of it is because we’ll be thanked or recognized for what we’re doing, but that’s only a small part of it. To be perfectly honest, doing good will make you happy even when no one else knows about it. There’s an internal reward built in. We feel good about ourselves. Our self-worth grows and with it our self-esteem.

Or think about it this way. What would make you feel better? Going about your day shuffling papers, answering the phone and putting in the time required at your desk without much to show for at the end of the day? Or would you feel more fulfilled and happier if you knew without a shadow of a doubt that you made a difference in someone’s life today? What if that paperwork you did helped a family find a better place to live? What if those calls you made ensured that a little girl doesn’t go to bed hungry tonight. What if that class you taught helps a young mom stay home with her baby and still contribute to the family income? What if you found your purpose – whatever it may be – and made a real difference in someone’s life with what you do? Wouldn’t that make you feel happier? Wouldn’t that give you a sense of accomplishment?

Spend a little time to figure out what you can do to help those around you. Think about what you could do to serve others and make a difference in their lives. In other words, spend a little time figuring out what your purpose in life is and how it can impact the people whose lives you touch – be it in person, through a book or via the internet. That’s the beauty of the day and age we live in. We can reach and make a difference in the lives of people across the globe.

Stop making excuses and find your purpose, and with it your own happiness.

Do What You Love – Love What You Do

When you get up in the morning you have a choice. You can look forward to the day ahead, or you can dread it. And much of that choice depends on how much you like what you’re getting ready to do for the next 16 hours before it’s time to hit the hay again.

Of course we’re not going to love everything we end up doing during the day (I don’t know many of us that look forward to cleaning the bathroom), but you should be able to find some things to look forward to. And the more of that you can work into your life, the more fulfilled and happy you’ll be.         

Love What You Do For A Living

Is your job something you look forward to, or something you dread? If you’re not having fun and enjoy what you’re doing (most of the time… we all have bad days), it may be time to look into a career change. No amount of money is worth being miserable and it’s hard to enjoy life and love who you are when you hate much of what you’re doing each day. Instead find something you can get behind and be passionate about. Make a living while making a difference and fulfilling your purpose in life.

Do What You Love Around The House

Our home holds special place in our heart. It’s our safe place, where we raise our kids and rest our head at night. It should be a place we enjoy spending time in. It should be a property we are proud to own something we enjoy taking care of. In other words, our home should be our sanctuary.

Take a look around you. What do you love about your home? What don’t you love particularly? What can you do about that? Start small, but start to improve your surroundings. Moving into your dream house overlooking the ocean may not be an option right now, but you can paint your living room walls and hang up a pretty beach painting. Turn your home into a place you love.

Do What You Love – a.k.a. Hobbies

Even if you are in a situation where you can’t do much about your job or your house, there are other ways to incorporate what you love into your day. Find something you enjoy doing. It could be gardening, curling up with a good book, playing golf, photography, knitting… it doesn’t matter what it is as long as it is something you love and enjoy. In other words, find a hobby and make sure you make some time for it in your busy day and week.

5 Good Reasons to Find Your Why

5 Good Reasons To Find Your “Why”

There are quite a few reasons to find your “why”, your reason for getting up in the morning and doing what you do. Finding your purpose can be a powerful thing and it goes well beyond the satisfaction of knowing you’re doing something worthwhile. Let’s take a look at five different good reasons to spend the time to find your “why”.

You’ll Feel Less Stressed

How much mental energy and worry do you spend trying to figure out what you should or could be doing each day? When your “why” is clear in your mind, you don’t have to worry about that any longer and feel less stressed.

But there’s more to it than that. When we aren’t following our passion and purpose, we aren’t happy with what we’re doing and with that comes added stress. It’s no wonder that you’ll feel calmer and more relaxed about what you do and life in general when you know where you’re going.

You’ll Get More Done

Time flies when you’re having fun and it slows down to a crawl when you aren’t. Along the same lines you get a lot more productive and get through your workload in a lot less time when you have a purpose and are passionate about what you’re doing.

I’m sure you’ve noticed this in your daily life. When you’re working on something you enjoy or something that’s important to you, the work almost seems to do itself. You don’t even notice how long or how hard you’ve been at it.

You Do A Better Job

Not only do you get things done faster, you do everything you can to learn more and get better at what you love to do. As a result you do a much better job. Now there’s a great reason to find your why and follow your purpose.

You’ll Feel Better About Yourself

There’s nothing better to lift your mood and boost your self-esteem than doing some good. Don’t be surprised to notice quite a bit of this once you figure out what your purpose in life is and then do what you’re meant to be doing, helping those in need.

You’ll Be Happier

All of this leads to one all-important end result. You’ll be happier. You’ll be more fulfilled with what you do and live a more content life. And isn’t that something we’re all striving towards. Who knew the secret to lifelong happiness was to find your “why”.

Recognizing Your Own Fears – and Overcoming Them

You may not recognize your own fears and simply see them as uncomfortable feelings of inadequacy. Only when you can recognize them for what they are and put a name to them will you be able to plot against them and finally overcome them.

Fear turns to anxiety and together they can wreak havoc on your goals and dreams for the future. Symptoms of fear and anxiety may be pronounced - such as a rise in blood pressure or heart rate.

Your breathing patterns may change and you may feel like you want to run rather than face your fears. Others may experience a paralyzed feeling and take no action at all. Procrastination is a result and you may never overcome it, depending on how fearful we are and how much we’re willing to fight it.

Simply the anticipation of problems or a bad ending to a situation can cause symptoms of fear and cause us to drop out emotionally and physically of wherever we were heading when fear stopped us in our tracks.

You don’t have to accept fear and let it rule your life. Face it head on with true facts rather than the negative scenarios you let run through your mind when facing the unknown.

Once you know your fears for what they are, you can find a solution to move past it. You take control rather than fear controlling you. You’re no longer the victim, but an empowered and self-confident person who invites positivity rather than negativity into your life.

After you’re able to recognize the signs and symptoms of your fears, you’ll be better able to empower yourself, face the fears and trust that you can overcome the fears and be on your way to achieving your dreams and goals.

It’s easier to empower yourself when you have a plan. Set mini goals for yourself when you’re afraid of the outcome of a situation. Each time you reach one of those small goals you’re further on your way to realizing the end result – and with each small step you’re knocking down the building blocks of fear.

Fear makes you settle for less than you can be. You may settle for a job that pays less than you’re worth simply because of fear preventing you from thinking of yourself as worth it.

Settling for a relationship that doesn’t really work is also based on fear – fear that you’ll never be able to have the relationship you want because you don’t deserve it. Overcome those fears by thinking about what steps you’d take if you did deserve happiness - both in a relationship and your life’s work. Think of the amazing things that could happen in your life if you could just stop being afraid. Begin to unmask the fears and see them for what they really are – lies.

Dare Yourself to Overcome Fear of Success

Why does the thought of success strike fear in so many people with so much potential? The answer could be because there’s change involved. Simply put, most of us are afraid of any changes that are going to shake us out of the cages which have become our comfort zone.

If you’re going to be successful, you’re going to have to overcome the fear and take action. You can begin the journey by daring yourself, setting aside your fears and taking action to meet your goals for the future.

Fear is normal – fear of snakes, heights, drowning, rejection – and the changes that come with success. Fear is a normal part of life, but unless you address those fears, they will follow you around, make you miserable and squash any dreams of success you may have.

You may feel you’re not good enough for success or perhaps you’re afraid you’ll fail and people will discover you’re a fraud. It may be time to dare yourself to success – because you have the power and the strength within you to take the necessary actions to meet your goals and make your dreams come true.

It’s okay to feel that fear in your mind and heart. The danger is letting that fear paralyze you into taking no action at all. Acknowledge that you are fearful and know that it’s normal.

Then, it’s time to face those fears and figure out what you have to do to make success happen. Begin small and with each step, dare yourself to think bigger and better. Eventually, you will have dared yourself to success.

Maya Angelou once said, “I believe the most important single thing, beyond discipline and creativity is daring to dare.” When you dare to take control of your life and take action to make those dreams come true, the fear will gradually begin to wane and then you’ll forget about it altogether.

Take a moment to think about what you would do – which actions you would take – if you weren’t afraid. Write those actions down and one by one dare yourself to make them happen.

Tap in on the brave side of your personality and use the power you have to add more power and overcome the obstacles one by one until you make success happen. Ask for guidance if needed.

Take courses, read books or network with successful people – anything to give you the knowledge and confidence you’ll need to overcome the fears. When you make a conscious decision to dare yourself and take the actions needed to reach success, you’re on your way to dashing all your fears that you’re not good enough, not creative or beautiful enough and other negative thoughts that hold you back.

Think of all the challenges that bring fear into your heart and mind and then dare yourself to overcome them. Begin small and your fears of success will diminish as you go along.